humor

The Dark

Image by Pexels from Pixabay 

Sam woke up with a start. Where am I? He was slightly panicked. He had never been in a room this dark before. Not a hint of light. Then he remembered, he was at his Aunt’s house and had never stayed in this room before. But man, this was seriously dark. He pushed down that feeling of disorientation and fumbled around, looking for some source of light near the bed. He knew there was a night stand and a lamp. He knocked something off the night stand and there was a sickening sound of broken china. Damn. It was the cup of water he had left there.

He took a few seconds to calm down. One, two three…he counted. It was a trick his father had taught him. If you are ever angry, scared, whatever. Anytime an emotion was threatening to outstrip reason, start counting. Mainly it was a backcountry survival skill, but he used it frequently. He had a bit of a temper and it kept him out of trouble.

Calmer, he reached over and found the lamp right away and with a little feeling around found the switch and flicked it on. Blinded, his eyes took a second to adjust to the sudden onslaught of photons he’d unleased. He blinked his eyes…the photons were bouncing off his cousin’s friend, Amy. She was standing just beyond the foot of his bed, her robe fastened, but not quite. She had been teasing him all evening. Now he realized, belatedly than it had been less teasing and more flirting. His blood was rushing to parts it shouldn’t be rushing to.

“Amy…I don’t think you should be here?” Dammit! He thought. How had that come out as a question?

She toyed with the belt on her robe…it remained fastened but a little less so. She pouted “are you saying I should leave?”

He struggled for words. The answer was obvious, yes go, you shouldn’t be in here. But then they were both old enough and so it really wasn’t so obvious. “You’re my cousin’s friend. Seriously you had better go.” He realized how unconvincing he sounded.

Amy apparently realized it as well which made her move closer. She was now right at the foot of his bed. The robe was hanging on for dear life. He saw part of a shoulder. He couldn’t find any words.

“I. Don’t. Think. You. Want. Me. To. Leave.” She teased. “Because if I do leave, you won’t get the surprise I have for you.” She moved closer.

“Surprise?”

“Hmmm hmmm, Close your eyes.”

The cold water hit him in the face like a ton of bricks. It soaked his pajamas, and all of the bedding. Amy ran laughing and giggling from the room leaving him sitting there embarrassed for being taken in.

Oh…she was gonna get it.

© Glenn R Keller 2021, All Rights Reserved

Late…Again

Image by martakoton from Pixabay

“MOM!!!! I swear we were going to be here on time. Early evening!”

Shelly’s mother stared a hole in her.

“Look, I know it’s hard to believe but I swear it’s true. It’s not fair! We left the movie early and everything. I missed the ending just to make you happy and now I’m gonna get grounded.”

Head shaking.

“I wish I could prove it but how do you prove something like that? It’s not like we can interview him.”

Her mother reached for the phone.

“Yes. Call him! You will see. Our story will be exactly the same.”

While her mother spoke to Johnny’s father, she glared at her little sister who was watching from the kitchen, giggling and clearly enjoying the show. “You shut up or I’ll pop you good once mom is gone.” Her sister stuck out her tongue.

“Oh nothing momma. I was just speaking to Tammy.” Tammy snorted from the kitchen. More glaring.

Her mother hung up the phone.

“See! Our stories are exactly the same right? What? How can you not believe us if we had the same story? I swear it was a racoon!” Tammy was howling in the kitchen. “I’ll knock your block off I swear to god!”

“No…Not you momma! It’s Tammy she’s being a little jerk.”

Her mother pointed to her room and held out her hand for her car keys…a sure sign of a long grounding.

“It’s not fair…wait! What do you mean he said it was a skunk? That IDIOT it was supposed to be a rac…oops.” Tammy was making raspberry noises from the kitchen now.

She started up the stairs…defeated, to a chorus of ‘liar liar pants on fire’ from Tammy. “You’re gonna get it.” she hissed at her sister.

The Cannon

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay

To say why it didn’t go to plan

We’ll have to start where it began

And how we left it to Phil and Stan

The idea was awesome it was great

Those older girls would be irate

But we should have entrusted Bob or Nate

The laundryman was easily bribed

His weakness was that he imbibed

His task was easily circumscribed

The Rutledge twins supplied the gun

A massive piece that weighed a ton

They made it louder just for fun

We filled it with the stolen laundry

But then arose a major quandry

Our solution would come back to haunt me

You see women’s wear does not fly well

And we could not put it in a shell

But we reasoned clumps of mud the undies would propel

We should have trusted it to Ron and John

Or maybe even Don or Juan

But Phil and Stan if fell upon

Not the brightest in the bunch

Their brains were always out to lunch

But we were rushed and in a crunch

The job assigned we ran away

To find a place were we could stay

To watch the awe-inspiring display

A boom rang out

We heard a shout

And from their cabin the girls ran out

The first to yell was loud mouth Kate

The girl who filled us all with hate

As she favored no one with a date

The laundry rained down but something strange

Something we did not arrange

A horrifying new exchange

Just when it seemed to go so well

The girls running, yelling all pell mell

Kate, dreaded Kate, yelled out “What’s that smell???!!!”

And now we watched the travesty unfold

The girls screaming became uncontrolled

Our penance, we knew, would be too awful to behold

So if you’re going to break the rules

Don’t entrust your plan to fools

Who don’t have brains to use as tools

For even a little cub scout troupe

Or possibly a toddlers group

Would not confuse mud with poop

Ode To A Faithful Friend

Image by Q K from Pixabay

You crouch there in your little room

With not else much to do

But you’re not sad or filled with gloom

Cause they’ll always come to you

It could be at the break of light

Before they start their day

Or sometimes even late at night

They might come for a stay

They’ll come to you on bended knee

Or set a spell and read a book

Gasping while they worship thee

Or relaxing in your cozy nook

But come what may you never mind

Cause light or dark or day or night

You don’t mind cradling their behind

For any bottom is a welcome sight

I could sit here and I could wax poetic

Spinning praises like a bathroom rapper

Tapping your vibe and dropping words aesthetic

I guess you’d have to call me MC Crapper